Freedom Monday

Samantha invited me for an out-of-the-blue road trip to Genting. I got nothing in my schedule, why not? I was initially pretty doubtful how the trip would be for me since I’m not really part of their close knit groupies. Such petty thinking, I will never learn won’t I? *smacks head* They are one of the most welcoming people I ever met in my entire life. Groupies tend to alienate the newbies and have inside jokes amongst themselves. That didn’t occur in this scenario. That shows how warm they are as people. Thanks peeps for such a nice trip up there.

Sitting right here now with my body in one piece is unbelievable, seen that I have went through painstakingly with Pei Wen and her’s truly, Zhi Ven’s driving. God knows how many times I kissed the wet cold ground of Genting. Kudos to those drivers though, having to withstand the backseat passengers constant chattering and occasional squeal from the ever so whiney Marcus.

Disappointments behold us when we reached our destination. First, it was the powdery fifteen dollars chicken rice, then the ever lasting droplets of rain from the sky above. To Marcus’s happiness dismay, the rain stopped us from indulging in our childish endeavours forthe theme park. I was a little relieved myself that I wouldn’t have to embarrass myself with a bucket of vomitus. But then again, what’s fun without some thrill. So, it’s pretty much a kill joy for me as well.

But then again, it’s the company that counts throughout this trip. I would never expect to laugh so hard accompanied with these people’s antics. Samantha is famous for her blur-ness, she would beg to differ by saying:” I don’t listen to what you’re saying, kay?” Marcus‘s snideness plus whining. Seeki, her high pitched shrilled like voice and a pinch of cheekiness. And last but not least, the slowest of them all, definitely not in terms of his driving, but his brain electrical activity. You would never believe this boy can actually speak without a staccato rhythm in his sentences. A standing ovation to Zhi Ven, who especially dedicated one blog post of retard-ness in me.

Dearest lecturers and future bosses of mine in the medical field, those discriminatory pictures of me were actually… erm, a way of me relieving myself from all the tension at uni. It’s not that I’m not handling tension well; it’s just that I don’t normally… Ah, forget it, scrap what I said. Yes, that’s me, one and only unique Xinny who will excel in the field of medical technology, and conquer the world by the means of my geniuses. Prepare for the overwhelming ingenuity of Xinny’s Era in 10 years time, commoners!

………………*continues with her maniacal laughter

*Cough*

But then again, the whole trip was one of my highlights in life. Hopefully to have more (koff, cheaper) fun like this. To those who are going overseas in the very near future, bon voyage and better gear up before my conquest initiates. Tata!

Forget me not

“Xin, what’s seven times four?”

“Xin, when is your birthdate again?”

Asked once, we call it forgetfulness. It happens.

Twice asked, we call it old age catching up on us. It bound to happen.

More than twice asked, asked everyday. It means times running out.

Mum has been asking me everyday simple questions. She has been constantly repeating sentences that have been said an hour ago. At first, my patience kept her company. Then, my patience wore thin that now, I sometimes don’t make an effort answering her questions anymore. I grew tired already. Guilt often strike me as though God strike lightning upon an unfilial daughter. But I still don’t have the urge to answer to those heart breaking questions anymore.

As exams draw nearer, I chose comfort to study by my mother’s side. Although she grew senile day by day, she still understood silence is a must when I’m studying. Mum still knows me best. As I glance upwards to take my eyes off from my books, I observe her breathing patterns, her twitching of her fingers, and her spasms of her legs.

“Mother…” My mind raced through the memory lane to the point when she was a working mother who never fails to accompany me to sleep. When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark (still do, sometimes). She knew I was afraid to sleep alone so despite a long day at work, she sat next to me and read her newspapers. Her presences, that alone gave me comfort, gave me a good night sleep. Would my presence next to her at this moment of time give her much comfort like it did on me? I hope so. She can never tell me but I take comfort in the fact that it does.

She was happy when I’m home instead of mugging up my work load in uni. She rather me carry her to the potty than some other maid. Maybe I was gentler, stronger, or maybe she just wanted her own daughter to carry her. Once again, I scrutinize every single inch of her naked body, making sure I don’t miss out on any wounds or abnormalities. Her chest used to have a full bosom clad on it, now all I saw was her chest bone sternum, protruding outwards. As I adjust her hands on the commode, I feel wastage of her muscles. In medical terms, the whole body can be termed as cachetic. I often come across this word in the context of cancer or tuberculosis. Only this time is Multiple Sclerosis.

Dear siblings, read this carefully. Our mother’s health is deteriorating gradually. God has slowed time for us for us to make amends with our mother. I was once a spoilt child who didn’t see why she should love this family when she got ill treated by her parents. Forgiveness is one thing but family values are another. I’m a Chinese, I honor my parents. So should you. Call back often will ya?

If I were a boy…

I declare myself publicly, I’m a tomboy! As what the fatwa (a muslim association has nothing better to do) proclaimed us, tomboys - lesbianos! Caramba aye aye aye! Si, si, si, aye lesbiano!

My dad has always wanted the 3^rd child to be a boy. Aih, the disappointment he got from the doctor. As a live-up-to-the-expectations daughter I am, I tried to be tough and resilient in front of my dad. I have always stifled my sobs and sniffs from him. I reign over the “macho” temper he has which I thought would toughen me up. I took up taek-kwon-do and earned myself a black belt, not to mention sneak myself into competitions. Yes, sneak myself into fights. That just sounded so cool, right? My dad didn’t want me to land up paralysed if I got myself into trouble in the ring. Lotsa paranoid imaginations runs through my dad’s mind all the time. His famous words:” you never know what will happen, xin…” I was always the risk taker in the family. The adventurous one. Not like my two elder siblings who seems to abide to their rules when they were young. That life ain’t for me. Rebellious is my middle name.

*Chuckle* Those were the times I rebelled like there’s no tomorrow. Countless fights I gotten myself into with the big ol’ dad. Now time has taken his will to nag already. He now learns how to teach me through my own experience with the world. For instance, the snatch theft incident. HOoo boi, did I ever learn! The smirk on his face – Itoldyouso face. The rebellious pride inside me started plummeting since then. Slowly I start to succumb to his advices and simmer down this teenager zest in me.

Gee, I didn’t know I could spill out so much for a post where I’m supposed to just write a short one.

Last Friday, me and my heng tais played at the cyber café for freaking 7 hours, until 4am in the morning! Wei Hsuen had to wait till the lrt opens so he hung out with me at home until 6am in the morning. The very next day I had a date with the girls to go Bangsar for some bazaar shopping! I was living an extravagant life, in my opinion of course. I know that is pretty much an understatement for some out there.

Then Saturday was a whole new experience for me. It was Elisa’s birthday, so she gathered her close friends to the nearby bistro sort of bar. It was pretty much my first time drinking alcohol at a large sum. I was treated with two tequila shots and one glass of apple Bacardi. I downed a few glasses (okay, I lie I only had one, it sounded cool with a few) of beers. My my, was I ever tipsy! Not drunk but a lil bit off the line. When I went home, I closed my eyes; I felt the whole room spinning. At that moment, I know I was not alright. It wasn’t a good feeling at all. How do these people like this feeling? The highness feeling flowing through our cerebral vessels.

But hey, you gotta give me credit, I downed two shots and I drove home safely! Teehee.

However, an itch I gotta let it out. I have this close friend who refused to come over this party due to his/her inconsiderate other half. It angers how hypocrite theotherhalf  is. Apparently theotherhalf is going to an actual bar to celebrate new year’s eve. And theotherhalf has disallowed my close friend to attend Elisa’s party because it is wrong by the books of religion. Pathetic isn’t it? How can one love someone by controlling every inch of movement his/her going to make? You scoundrel out there, I do not pray for your peace and happiness at all. It pains me to see my close friend anguish in theotherhalf presence. 

Some recommendations for you guys out there. It’s a must to check out the game called left for dead. It’s an awesome powersome co-op game. I’m pretty much hooked to this game and its really draining my wallet to play it. But, heck it’s worth it! Try it, you won’t regret at all!

I so dig Transformers right now. Megatron is so cool. Yes, the bad guys are in for me yo! Optimus prime? Pfft… A lorry, where’s the glamour?

Quote: No sacrifice, no victory. *deng deng deng*

Try watching transformers again, it will give you the jitters to drive out to the nearest toys r’us and buy the complete collection and relive the moments in the movie.

……..*Autobots, roll out!* VRooooomm……..

And winter came

Christmas’s here! And I haven’t even touch any work. I’m so screwed for my next year’s finals.

I really can’t bring myself to study at such relaxed pace. goddamnit.

Sigh; there goes my will of study few weeks ago. God help me.

I had GP posting last week. MMmm… was I ever glad I went there! With the yummiest doctor alive as my mentor, how not to eagerly adjourn to the clinic at 8am? You would have applauded how serious I took this whole thing okay? I practically spent half an hour choosing what to wear!

Haha! I have never felt so infatuated for years! Make that 2 years la, since I fallen head over heels with Brian (still am!). I have a silly crush! Oh gosh! I feel young once more! *smacks* I’m only 20 years old!-.-Gosh, this is embarrassing, look at me! Talking nonsensical childish crushes on my well announced blog!

*Chuckle* This feeling would be gone soon enough. Of course, to entice my lil brian’s jealousy once in a while would be something mischievous but heck! It’s fun! Why not? :D

To my dismay, his going to propose to I presume a super hot hot hot chick. Life’s like that all the time, isn’t it?

*smack!* Ilovebrian.ilovebrian. :D

Now, excuse me while I continue to drool on his picture. *wipes drool off monitor*

Yet another path to set forth

Time has hastened at such a speed I can hardly believe; I already finished my 2^nd year of med school. And yes, I excelled once again in this term. Unbelievable, I know! Yes, I religiously studied the way I used to but a tinge of lackadaisical now and then. The guilty conscience almost got me thinking I won’t be doing as well as I did for the past year. With God’s grace I made it this far and fortunate enough for my mum to yield this portion of achievement of mine.

Before my absent mindedness gets in the way, it is my deepest honour to thank the countless comforting words and a simple pat on the shoulder accompanied with an honest smile from my fellow friends after my emotional turbulence from my previous post. I was overwhelmed by the responses I have gotten from you all. But really, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and have your kind thoughts at heart to bring me through these hard times.

After that ultimatum, my mum’s condition has been looking up these days. Not improving but something the whole family can rejoice at, her comeback. It’s so easy to put a smile on my mum’s face these days. Maybe it’s just the amount of time I’m spending with her that makes her day. But, it’s a good start to spend my days with my mum. But no, my life with my mum isn’t a bed of roses, not at all. There are plenty of times where I just want to slump on the couch with a pair of ear muffs to shun out my mum’s calling. Every 30 minutes, she would call out unnecessary for a meaningless task. Just that is enough for me to blow my top off. Patience is virtue yadeeyaya but it gets me thinking, “What have I done to deserve this? And lotsa @#$@##$% to end with” Nevertheless, just the sound of my mother’s laughter is enough to justify those ordeals we have been through. Sigh, life is nothing but bitter sweet moments, eh?

Don’t want to be overly melodramatic but sigh, long distance relationship is real pain in the butt that is worthy enough to synonym with sodomy. It’s been two long years I ventured the world called love. As cliché as it sounds, I did found the meaning of love when I gotten myself involve with Brian. This little thing called love serves only two purpose. For starters, infatuation will bring me to the heavens above with prancing angels serenading at the background. Not to mention a handsome hunky Brian would be inching closer with every step and sweep me off from my damsel feet and my ever so slim figure with his oh-my strong arms.

The second purpose is when the relationship hits the middle peak, oh how that fantasy took a twisted turn. Love turned into reality then, I started wearing glasses. Lo behold! Brian was no more than a geeky male with a 6 foot frail frame (damnit, he weighs less than me!) who stuck by his computer’s side from winter to summer and who endlessly ask the same damn questions everyday. The famous:” oh, watcha doin now?” 5 minutes later, the same exact constructed sentence would come up again. Unbelievable I know! Call me inconsiderate and call this trivial but you should have seen his glued face on the webcam when he asked that, the exact zombie look you see in resident evil. If I had a shotgun at hand, I would blow his brains out. Well, that is exactly what I did when he asked that monotonous question the hundredth time, but not literally, just verbally.

Yes, the relationship has grown from exhilarating to dull. It almost felt as though we were in our golden years and have spent the last 40 years eating oats dripping off the corner of our mouth every single morning. Everyday we call each other on skype/msn and spend approximately 10 hours on the line not talking. Yes, you heard me right; we don’t talk on the phone. Queer as it sound but what we do is just meddle with our own things on the other side of globe whilst on the line. If we ever find anything interesting which is a rarity, we would announce to the other half like a newscaster on the 8o’clock news. Sound exciting to you? Gosh, you must be living in the 60s!

After countless quarrels of “you don’t love me like you used to” or “what do you mean by that?”. Our relationship has been one heckava ride of ups and downs. By the end of the ride, one would presumably ask sensibly to oneself.

Why should I continue on this demanding liaison with him?

Is it worth it all these tears and anger?

Is he the one for me?

Every single time I tried to break it up with him, he stands firm to the ground he would be waiting for me still without a single doubt at heart.

I tried starting the morning without his voice. Empty.

I tried keeping my mind occupied without his background noises in the evening. So quiet.

I tried sleeping without the lullabies he sings to me. Can’t sleep.

*yes, laugh all you want, its pretty damn funny and comforting when he lullabies me to sleep. And besides, he does it to cheer me up*

As clueless as I will always be, little by little I realised how love works. Yes, love does work in some funny way. When it comes to a point where lovey dovey words doesn’t just cut out anymore, I, now realise how much the love between me and him have grown so much.

As he cleverly puts it,” …is not how much words are said between us that determine our love-ship but all I need is to take comfort that you are the other side of globe whilst on the line with me.” A charmer with words I tell you, this Brian of mine. But what he say is true somehow, I really do take comfort by just the fact he is plain there. I often have silly nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night. Since we just keep the mic on, it was naturally come to me to call out, dear! He is the by far the worst comforter in this entire world but at times like this, his voice is just enough for me to fall back to bed peacefully without fearing any ghouls or devils nearby.

Now, that is what I call love. What say you?